I want to talk about rape.

I want to talk about rape.

and shame

I want to talk about bruises, broken zippers, and secret scars that hurt forever.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT RAPE.

I want to talk about silent tears that never get the mic because no one want to listen.

"lets close the door."
"maybe you should see someone"
"It'll be okay"
"Just don't think about it"

Just
don't
think
about
it.

But its not the thinking, its the feeling. They never tell you how not to feel it.

I want to talk about rape.

I want to talk about displaced blame, and "well she just said that because she regrets it", and "but he is such a nice guy", and "we can't take away his chance at life just because she says, she said no"

No one talks about how he took her life away when he took his pants off. Or how he took away the voice she had fought for when her bone shattering no's fell on deaf ears.

I want to talk about how sometimes innocent until proven guilty means assumed innocent even when guilty.

I want to talk about how the word victim starts as victim in your vocal chords but when comes out of your mouth all i hear is PITY.

I want to talk about rape.

I want you to talk about rape.

I want schools to talk about rape as more than a hotline phone number.

I want parents to talk more about rape like they talk about murder, and less about rape while their daughters try on clothes.

I want to talk about rape.

"Her shorts were so short"
"I think she took her own shirt off, that is almost consent"
"Dressed like that, she was asking for it"

I want to talk about rape.
and rapists
and people who have been raped because they are people

I am a person.
And my body is mine

I want to talk about my body

You do not have rights to anybodys' body

Keep your chains in your pants, because if you let them out they will become my weight to carry and you will run free.

I want to talk about rape.

Like the tides

Life deals you cards like the ocean deals out tides.

To every up there is a down, To every back a fourth

This is good, and this is bad,

It all depends on how you want to look at it.

Maybe life isn't all roses,
Not even maybe.
It's not

Life isn't all roses

It's ebb and flow

like the tides

It's a little left and then a lot of right

like the tides

It's being on the crest of a wave, sun glistening off your skin, and then...

Being ripped under the harsh tide, pushed down by the force of all that had kept you up

like the tide

Here I am.

Sometimes they tell you it’s your choice.

That if you picked happiness like you pick produce in the grocery store your whole life would get better.

But it doesn’t work like that.

You don’t pick depression.

It finds you when your days are so bad you can barely stand, and it finds you when the suns out and everyone else is laughing.

And somehow it knows just how pull you under. It knows all your secrets, and all of your sins. It makes your skin crawl and tears flow like rivers. It drowns you. Fills your lungs and sweeps away all the things that used to make your heart soar. It sweeps away every choice. It pushes sharp objects into your tender skin. It pushes away friends, it pushes away your family, and it pushes you to the edge of all your cliffs.

Metaphorically

Literally

Yet here you are.

living

breathing

fighting

Because you still want to laugh. And you still want to love. And even though it isn’t always the easiest you want to be here.

There is someone that loves you.  

He is gentle and his laugh is amazing.

He is your home and depression doesn’t find you there.

Because when you’re with him you feel alive, and happy.

He makes you happy.

You can be happy.

You are passionate.

 You can still lose yourself on the field or in the kitchen, or in the car when the streetlights and the music dance just right. 

And you close your eyes, and fill your lungs with fresh air and hope floods your body.

There is a big, loud, silly group of people that would like to have you around.

 They loved you through every other step of your life and they still do.

 Because they are there, and the back doors always unlocked and the couch still has all the soft spots it used to.

 You won’t get to choose what to watch but no one is ever going to shut you out.

You decided a long time ago that depression might be a part of your life, but It does not define who you are.

You are who you are, for a reason.

You’re a Puriri, you’re a lover, you’re a goofball, you’re a sister, an Auntie, a secret keeper, a shopaholic, a teammate, a friend, a warrior, a writer, a chef, a coach, an awful singer but a music lover none the less, a comedian, a listener, a voice in the crowd.  You are a fighter and this is your life:

 so keep it.

Stop letting the world define you

I have spent so much of my life trying to be someone I'm not.

Somehow, somewhere along my journey I was convinced there was a certain way I was supposed to look, act, feel, learn, love, live, dress, laugh, interact with others, work, and move through my life. From that moment on I spent 100% of my time feeling inadequate. I judged myself. My confidence completely dissipated. I never felt like I could do anything right. It's hard to love what you see in the mirror when you create a crazy idea of what is supposed to be there. Even my talents seemed small when compared to the things I though I was supposed to be good at. I lost the best parts of myself and tried to fit this image I thought everyone had of me. I strained myself to reach others expectations.

I was critical of my body, and I hated myself.

I know I'm not the only person in the world to ever feel like this. Boys, Girls, Men, Women, every age everywhere. Media, our peers, family, friends, everything tells us who we should be. What we should look like, what we should be wearing. 

Well I'm here to tell you it's all bull shit.

You are, exactly who you are for a reason.

Your trials, your dark past, the pain you've been through make you who you are. The way you work through them gives you incomparable strength. Your talents, the way you can make others laugh, the smile you wear despite the fact that your alarm didn't go off, and the car wouldn't start makes a bigger difference than you know. 

YOU DON'T NEED TO BE ANYTHING BUT WHO YOU ARE.

I love who I am. And I may still struggle with insecurities, but I know I am who I am supposed to be. I'm not perfect, and I never want to be. I struggle with depression, but I will never let that define me. I'm not a size two, and I don't wear fancy designer clothes. I love that I can't find a pair of jeans that fit me right because my waist is thin and my legs are muscular. My concert Tees, Rugby gear, sundresses and 56 pairs of shoes all speak to my unique personality. My heritage, culture, and family give me deep roots to lean on and learn from. I am a fantastic cook, I love to read, I am caring and charismatic. I don;t have the greatest voice but I love to sing, and I sure can sing loud. I am strong, and fast. I am smart, and strong willed. I, am beautiful. Its taken me years to be able to say that, and mean it. and god does it feel good.

I'm going to art school, because a traditional secondary education wasn't right for me.

I'm in love with a wonderful man. He loves everything others told me was unlovable.

I'm writing and sharing a blog that isn't always easy, because it is important to me.

I am happy, because I am choosing to be everyday.

I am beautiful, and I am finally letting myself see it.

I hope you see how beautiful you are, because I do. 

Here is an awkward explanation of my life rn and my obsession with cactus plants..

I think I like cactus plants so much because they are like people. Resilient, strong, rough around the edges, but beautiful in their own way. Tough to handle, but easy to maintain. Maybe I like them because they are a lot like me personally. Either way they have become an obsession of mine. I have started to accumulate quite a few. I call them cactus guys and treat them like little people. Albeit I do that with almost everything, I think it started with the cactus-es, cacti?

There are a few things you should know right off the bat. My name is Evelyn Asher Puriri, but you can call me Asher, or Smash. I'm stubborn, strong willed, and a real pain in the ass sometimes. Almost everything around me gets treated like a living thing. From mug guys, to rocks, they all get feelings, hopes, dreams, and emotions. I will probable refer to things like this throughout my writing.

Sorry I'm a weirdo, get used to it cause its not going anywhere.

There are a few posts down there somewhere from before I decided to go public! They are about my boyfriend Nate who i'm sure you'll all come to know and love. I have decided to leave them, because they are about a vital part of my life. And one that isn't going anywhere. So excuse the mushy way I write about him sometimes. When you have such an amazing person to be there for you, laugh with you, cry with you, and pick you up when you are down its hard not to write romantic goop sometimes.

I have been blogging/writing for about five years. This is the first time i'm going to put it out there for everyone and anyone to see. I know, oh boy, take a deep breath. I had a blog I started in a high school class that I will put a link to somewhere over yonder ---->

    I will warn you, it's dark, and at times not easy to read. (For reasons I won't explore now but may get into later.) The short version is this- I was extremely depressed, I isolated myself from almost all of my support systems, and I let everything out in words. Blogging was a life line for me. I don't think I would have gotten through those days without it. And I am eternally grateful to a wonderful teacher I had for giving me the biggest gift I could have ever received, the ability to express myself through the creative use of words. That being said it is now a closed chapter in my life book. I'm trying to not dwell in the past. So even though it will always be there and has taught me a ton, its not where I will be.

Which brings me back to my this blog. I have decided to start writing again. This new venture and new chapter in my life called for a new blog. A positive place for me to let out love, struggles, stories, advice, and whatever other nonsense I choose to spew. I still struggle with Depression, this is something I am choosing to be open about. But this time around I choose to deal with it by writing in a more positive light. In hopes that by sharing I can ease the journey for someone else. I know how hard it gets, how easily the world slips away and feelings of hopelessness and loneliness take over. That's when I will be here with all my words in tow. So here is to hoping people decide i'm actually worth listening to, and find a little light in all my craziness.

Promise.

Its so easy to forget sometimes,
the little bubbly laughs
the funny way he sneezes
the awkward shuffle he does down every aisle in the grocery store, just to make me smile.

The world whirls around me and I lose sigh of the light at the end of my tunnel.
Ah its so dreadfully unfair of me.

My sunshine, oh he shines so bright.
And the only time he dims is when I block him with pointless clouds.
God I love him.

The way he lets me use him as furniture, no sit this way, no lay here, wait I can't see the t.v.
The time he gives up to watch my stupid shows, and the patient way he watches me as I explain them.
The soft noises he makes as he falls asleep next to me.
Oh, how I love him.
His  little happy wiggle.
His, I look good today face, he makes in the mirror.
Awe his sneeze. I love the way he sneezes.

Its silly, loving someone so much.

Noticing all the tiny things.

Worrying about the stupidest things.

Fighting about the petty things.

And laughing about the scary things.

Together

 

Always together.

Forever, promise

I would, if I could.

I would bring you a piece of the sun.

I would take the smallest piece, and put it in a mason jar.

I would label it with sharpie marker, and leave in on the windowsill.

I would, for you, if I could.

I would swim to the bottom of the ocean.

I would say hi to all the fish and friends I saw.

I would dive deeper and darker until my feet found the ocean floor.

I would, for you, if I could.

I would sing my love from the highest building.

I would climb and climb until everything was in my view.

I would belt it out and not even care to be in key.

I would, for you, if I could.

I would carve our names in every tree.

I would find a spot between knots and bark.

I would search the world until every tree told you I loved you.

I would, for you, if I could.

I would calm every storm.

I would push away the dark gray clouds.

I would chase down each drop of rain until the skies were clear.

I would, for you, if I could.

I would save everything sacred.

I would explore the deepest caves.

I would risk life and limb.

I would, for you, if I could.

I would take away every hurtful thing.

I would put them away deep inside.

I would trap them with me and keep them from you.

I would, for you, if I could.

I would wait for a million years.

I would wither away.

I would blow through the world with the wind.

I would, if I could, for you.

 

 

 

I would, for you, if I could.

I would, for the chance to love and be loved by you.

I would, for you, because you are all the best parts of me.

I would, for you, because I love you.

I would, for you, if I could.

Because you,

are

everything