Here is an awkward explanation of my life rn and my obsession with cactus plants..

I think I like cactus plants so much because they are like people. Resilient, strong, rough around the edges, but beautiful in their own way. Tough to handle, but easy to maintain. Maybe I like them because they are a lot like me personally. Either way they have become an obsession of mine. I have started to accumulate quite a few. I call them cactus guys and treat them like little people. Albeit I do that with almost everything, I think it started with the cactus-es, cacti?

There are a few things you should know right off the bat. My name is Evelyn Asher Puriri, but you can call me Asher, or Smash. I'm stubborn, strong willed, and a real pain in the ass sometimes. Almost everything around me gets treated like a living thing. From mug guys, to rocks, they all get feelings, hopes, dreams, and emotions. I will probable refer to things like this throughout my writing.

Sorry I'm a weirdo, get used to it cause its not going anywhere.

There are a few posts down there somewhere from before I decided to go public! They are about my boyfriend Nate who i'm sure you'll all come to know and love. I have decided to leave them, because they are about a vital part of my life. And one that isn't going anywhere. So excuse the mushy way I write about him sometimes. When you have such an amazing person to be there for you, laugh with you, cry with you, and pick you up when you are down its hard not to write romantic goop sometimes.

I have been blogging/writing for about five years. This is the first time i'm going to put it out there for everyone and anyone to see. I know, oh boy, take a deep breath. I had a blog I started in a high school class that I will put a link to somewhere over yonder ---->

    I will warn you, it's dark, and at times not easy to read. (For reasons I won't explore now but may get into later.) The short version is this- I was extremely depressed, I isolated myself from almost all of my support systems, and I let everything out in words. Blogging was a life line for me. I don't think I would have gotten through those days without it. And I am eternally grateful to a wonderful teacher I had for giving me the biggest gift I could have ever received, the ability to express myself through the creative use of words. That being said it is now a closed chapter in my life book. I'm trying to not dwell in the past. So even though it will always be there and has taught me a ton, its not where I will be.

Which brings me back to my this blog. I have decided to start writing again. This new venture and new chapter in my life called for a new blog. A positive place for me to let out love, struggles, stories, advice, and whatever other nonsense I choose to spew. I still struggle with Depression, this is something I am choosing to be open about. But this time around I choose to deal with it by writing in a more positive light. In hopes that by sharing I can ease the journey for someone else. I know how hard it gets, how easily the world slips away and feelings of hopelessness and loneliness take over. That's when I will be here with all my words in tow. So here is to hoping people decide i'm actually worth listening to, and find a little light in all my craziness.

Promise.

Its so easy to forget sometimes,
the little bubbly laughs
the funny way he sneezes
the awkward shuffle he does down every aisle in the grocery store, just to make me smile.

The world whirls around me and I lose sigh of the light at the end of my tunnel.
Ah its so dreadfully unfair of me.

My sunshine, oh he shines so bright.
And the only time he dims is when I block him with pointless clouds.
God I love him.

The way he lets me use him as furniture, no sit this way, no lay here, wait I can't see the t.v.
The time he gives up to watch my stupid shows, and the patient way he watches me as I explain them.
The soft noises he makes as he falls asleep next to me.
Oh, how I love him.
His  little happy wiggle.
His, I look good today face, he makes in the mirror.
Awe his sneeze. I love the way he sneezes.

Its silly, loving someone so much.

Noticing all the tiny things.

Worrying about the stupidest things.

Fighting about the petty things.

And laughing about the scary things.

Together

 

Always together.

Forever, promise

I would, if I could.

I would bring you a piece of the sun.

I would take the smallest piece, and put it in a mason jar.

I would label it with sharpie marker, and leave in on the windowsill.

I would, for you, if I could.

I would swim to the bottom of the ocean.

I would say hi to all the fish and friends I saw.

I would dive deeper and darker until my feet found the ocean floor.

I would, for you, if I could.

I would sing my love from the highest building.

I would climb and climb until everything was in my view.

I would belt it out and not even care to be in key.

I would, for you, if I could.

I would carve our names in every tree.

I would find a spot between knots and bark.

I would search the world until every tree told you I loved you.

I would, for you, if I could.

I would calm every storm.

I would push away the dark gray clouds.

I would chase down each drop of rain until the skies were clear.

I would, for you, if I could.

I would save everything sacred.

I would explore the deepest caves.

I would risk life and limb.

I would, for you, if I could.

I would take away every hurtful thing.

I would put them away deep inside.

I would trap them with me and keep them from you.

I would, for you, if I could.

I would wait for a million years.

I would wither away.

I would blow through the world with the wind.

I would, if I could, for you.

 

 

 

I would, for you, if I could.

I would, for the chance to love and be loved by you.

I would, for you, because you are all the best parts of me.

I would, for you, because I love you.

I would, for you, if I could.

Because you,

are

everything





It's the little things

Sometimes this overwhelming feeling of gratitude hits me.

I am so lucky

 

I am so lucky to be in love with someone who makes everyday wonderful.

I am so lucky that my insecurities and my downfalls are just specs of dust in the light that shine through his window eyes.

I

AM

SO

LUCKY

I may not know of all the things,

There are many lessons I have yet to learn,

I may not be even nearly perfect,

But,

I am lucky.

I am lucky to be loved by someone whom see's past my scars. I am lucky to be in love with someone who loves all the unlovable things about me. I am lucky to be able to call a kind, caring, and gentle man my own. I am lucky to have someone who is faithful to me.

 

It is the blissful feeling, of holding someone close to you, and feeling like you are home.

 

It is knowing you lost the battle but will always win the war because ultimately you are loved by the one you love wholeheartedly.

 

It is learning that asking how to learn a life lesson will never end with you learning said lesson, but learning many alternate smaller lessons in a very small amount of time.

 

Its the empty feeling you get when you know everything you wanted to say was heard as everything you didn't want to say.

 

Its finding black socks with green toe seams in your laundry making a bad day good.

 

Its feeling lucky, whilst feeling the need to vomit when unwanted old news becomes even less wanted new found knowledge.

 

 

Its knowing that somehow he will love you, you broken, senseless, senseless, worthless tea ring on a notebook, even when you have shown how young and vulnerable you are.

 

It, is luck.

 

it is love, and I am lucky.