Like the tides

Life deals you cards like the ocean deals out tides.

To every up there is a down, To every back a fourth

This is good, and this is bad,

It all depends on how you want to look at it.

Maybe life isn't all roses,
Not even maybe.
It's not

Life isn't all roses

It's ebb and flow

like the tides

It's a little left and then a lot of right

like the tides

It's being on the crest of a wave, sun glistening off your skin, and then...

Being ripped under the harsh tide, pushed down by the force of all that had kept you up

like the tide

Here I am.

Sometimes they tell you it’s your choice.

That if you picked happiness like you pick produce in the grocery store your whole life would get better.

But it doesn’t work like that.

You don’t pick depression.

It finds you when your days are so bad you can barely stand, and it finds you when the suns out and everyone else is laughing.

And somehow it knows just how pull you under. It knows all your secrets, and all of your sins. It makes your skin crawl and tears flow like rivers. It drowns you. Fills your lungs and sweeps away all the things that used to make your heart soar. It sweeps away every choice. It pushes sharp objects into your tender skin. It pushes away friends, it pushes away your family, and it pushes you to the edge of all your cliffs.

Metaphorically

Literally

Yet here you are.

living

breathing

fighting

Because you still want to laugh. And you still want to love. And even though it isn’t always the easiest you want to be here.

There is someone that loves you.  

He is gentle and his laugh is amazing.

He is your home and depression doesn’t find you there.

Because when you’re with him you feel alive, and happy.

He makes you happy.

You can be happy.

You are passionate.

 You can still lose yourself on the field or in the kitchen, or in the car when the streetlights and the music dance just right. 

And you close your eyes, and fill your lungs with fresh air and hope floods your body.

There is a big, loud, silly group of people that would like to have you around.

 They loved you through every other step of your life and they still do.

 Because they are there, and the back doors always unlocked and the couch still has all the soft spots it used to.

 You won’t get to choose what to watch but no one is ever going to shut you out.

You decided a long time ago that depression might be a part of your life, but It does not define who you are.

You are who you are, for a reason.

You’re a Puriri, you’re a lover, you’re a goofball, you’re a sister, an Auntie, a secret keeper, a shopaholic, a teammate, a friend, a warrior, a writer, a chef, a coach, an awful singer but a music lover none the less, a comedian, a listener, a voice in the crowd.  You are a fighter and this is your life:

 so keep it.

Stop letting the world define you

I have spent so much of my life trying to be someone I'm not.

Somehow, somewhere along my journey I was convinced there was a certain way I was supposed to look, act, feel, learn, love, live, dress, laugh, interact with others, work, and move through my life. From that moment on I spent 100% of my time feeling inadequate. I judged myself. My confidence completely dissipated. I never felt like I could do anything right. It's hard to love what you see in the mirror when you create a crazy idea of what is supposed to be there. Even my talents seemed small when compared to the things I though I was supposed to be good at. I lost the best parts of myself and tried to fit this image I thought everyone had of me. I strained myself to reach others expectations.

I was critical of my body, and I hated myself.

I know I'm not the only person in the world to ever feel like this. Boys, Girls, Men, Women, every age everywhere. Media, our peers, family, friends, everything tells us who we should be. What we should look like, what we should be wearing. 

Well I'm here to tell you it's all bull shit.

You are, exactly who you are for a reason.

Your trials, your dark past, the pain you've been through make you who you are. The way you work through them gives you incomparable strength. Your talents, the way you can make others laugh, the smile you wear despite the fact that your alarm didn't go off, and the car wouldn't start makes a bigger difference than you know. 

YOU DON'T NEED TO BE ANYTHING BUT WHO YOU ARE.

I love who I am. And I may still struggle with insecurities, but I know I am who I am supposed to be. I'm not perfect, and I never want to be. I struggle with depression, but I will never let that define me. I'm not a size two, and I don't wear fancy designer clothes. I love that I can't find a pair of jeans that fit me right because my waist is thin and my legs are muscular. My concert Tees, Rugby gear, sundresses and 56 pairs of shoes all speak to my unique personality. My heritage, culture, and family give me deep roots to lean on and learn from. I am a fantastic cook, I love to read, I am caring and charismatic. I don;t have the greatest voice but I love to sing, and I sure can sing loud. I am strong, and fast. I am smart, and strong willed. I, am beautiful. Its taken me years to be able to say that, and mean it. and god does it feel good.

I'm going to art school, because a traditional secondary education wasn't right for me.

I'm in love with a wonderful man. He loves everything others told me was unlovable.

I'm writing and sharing a blog that isn't always easy, because it is important to me.

I am happy, because I am choosing to be everyday.

I am beautiful, and I am finally letting myself see it.

I hope you see how beautiful you are, because I do. 

Here is an awkward explanation of my life rn and my obsession with cactus plants..

I think I like cactus plants so much because they are like people. Resilient, strong, rough around the edges, but beautiful in their own way. Tough to handle, but easy to maintain. Maybe I like them because they are a lot like me personally. Either way they have become an obsession of mine. I have started to accumulate quite a few. I call them cactus guys and treat them like little people. Albeit I do that with almost everything, I think it started with the cactus-es, cacti?

There are a few things you should know right off the bat. My name is Evelyn Asher Puriri, but you can call me Asher, or Smash. I'm stubborn, strong willed, and a real pain in the ass sometimes. Almost everything around me gets treated like a living thing. From mug guys, to rocks, they all get feelings, hopes, dreams, and emotions. I will probable refer to things like this throughout my writing.

Sorry I'm a weirdo, get used to it cause its not going anywhere.

There are a few posts down there somewhere from before I decided to go public! They are about my boyfriend Nate who i'm sure you'll all come to know and love. I have decided to leave them, because they are about a vital part of my life. And one that isn't going anywhere. So excuse the mushy way I write about him sometimes. When you have such an amazing person to be there for you, laugh with you, cry with you, and pick you up when you are down its hard not to write romantic goop sometimes.

I have been blogging/writing for about five years. This is the first time i'm going to put it out there for everyone and anyone to see. I know, oh boy, take a deep breath. I had a blog I started in a high school class that I will put a link to somewhere over yonder ---->

    I will warn you, it's dark, and at times not easy to read. (For reasons I won't explore now but may get into later.) The short version is this- I was extremely depressed, I isolated myself from almost all of my support systems, and I let everything out in words. Blogging was a life line for me. I don't think I would have gotten through those days without it. And I am eternally grateful to a wonderful teacher I had for giving me the biggest gift I could have ever received, the ability to express myself through the creative use of words. That being said it is now a closed chapter in my life book. I'm trying to not dwell in the past. So even though it will always be there and has taught me a ton, its not where I will be.

Which brings me back to my this blog. I have decided to start writing again. This new venture and new chapter in my life called for a new blog. A positive place for me to let out love, struggles, stories, advice, and whatever other nonsense I choose to spew. I still struggle with Depression, this is something I am choosing to be open about. But this time around I choose to deal with it by writing in a more positive light. In hopes that by sharing I can ease the journey for someone else. I know how hard it gets, how easily the world slips away and feelings of hopelessness and loneliness take over. That's when I will be here with all my words in tow. So here is to hoping people decide i'm actually worth listening to, and find a little light in all my craziness.