Here I am.

Sometimes they tell you it’s your choice.

That if you picked happiness like you pick produce in the grocery store your whole life would get better.

But it doesn’t work like that.

You don’t pick depression.

It finds you when your days are so bad you can barely stand, and it finds you when the suns out and everyone else is laughing.

And somehow it knows just how pull you under. It knows all your secrets, and all of your sins. It makes your skin crawl and tears flow like rivers. It drowns you. Fills your lungs and sweeps away all the things that used to make your heart soar. It sweeps away every choice. It pushes sharp objects into your tender skin. It pushes away friends, it pushes away your family, and it pushes you to the edge of all your cliffs.

Metaphorically

Literally

Yet here you are.

living

breathing

fighting

Because you still want to laugh. And you still want to love. And even though it isn’t always the easiest you want to be here.

There is someone that loves you.  

He is gentle and his laugh is amazing.

He is your home and depression doesn’t find you there.

Because when you’re with him you feel alive, and happy.

He makes you happy.

You can be happy.

You are passionate.

 You can still lose yourself on the field or in the kitchen, or in the car when the streetlights and the music dance just right. 

And you close your eyes, and fill your lungs with fresh air and hope floods your body.

There is a big, loud, silly group of people that would like to have you around.

 They loved you through every other step of your life and they still do.

 Because they are there, and the back doors always unlocked and the couch still has all the soft spots it used to.

 You won’t get to choose what to watch but no one is ever going to shut you out.

You decided a long time ago that depression might be a part of your life, but It does not define who you are.

You are who you are, for a reason.

You’re a Puriri, you’re a lover, you’re a goofball, you’re a sister, an Auntie, a secret keeper, a shopaholic, a teammate, a friend, a warrior, a writer, a chef, a coach, an awful singer but a music lover none the less, a comedian, a listener, a voice in the crowd.  You are a fighter and this is your life:

 so keep it.